Each day on my way to work I pass a house that has hung a huge tarp on the side of their house. Painted on this tarp in VERY large letters are the words "IMPEACH BUSH". Now the keyword here is LARGE. T he tarp is probably 12 x 15 feet and the words took up a major portion of the center. So this seems to be something they firmly believe in.

I pass this thing everyday. And I have watched the letters slowly flake or fade from the tarp. Little by little their message is being degraded and getting less visible. Earlier this week I noticed the wind had flipped up one corner of the tarp and pinned it under some of the wires going to the house. It has remained there for days. Their message is no longer visible.

My question is this: Has their conviction faded with the slow degradation of their message? If they were still passionate about it would they not keep up with it? Re-paint the letters, be sure it was visible?

Is it human nature to have our passions degrade as time passes? How do we keep things fresh? or green? Why does our interest fade? What keeps the things we continue to stay wrapped up in so current?

Relationships -- Our interest in some partners fades while other times it last for years and years. Jobs -- (lets think about beyond the obvious $$). Our attention is captured by something else, our time diverted. I am not saying it is good or bad -- it simply is. Why? The things we are wrapped up in are obviously mediating something in our lives.

The passions and causes we support. What do they mediate for us? Why do we choose the causes we choose? What in these peoples lives would be “made better” if they got their wish. Bush impeached. Why grasp at this? Why is it important to let others know? We don’t see huge banners on houses saying things like “Trying to have children” or “Shopping for a new car!”

What makes the line between what we need to share and the things we keep to ourselves!

Words.  So powerful.  They carry such an emotional and physical impact.  They are the blocks we construct our realities.  We use them so carelessly and flippantly.

I shouted out to Shwartzman a few days ago.  He is one of my zaady friends and I do keep sporadic contact. (as I do with all my zaadzies).  Now he amuses me.  His posts are often unique and I am glad I have added him as one of my zaadzs friends.

So I posted the following Shoutout: Hey to an odd guy in a like-to-get-to-know-you-better kinda way.   Now my intent was to capture the emotional and spiritual impact his presence here on zaads means to me.  Do I think he is odd? No!  But when trying to frame my feelings this is the word I choose.

His response was -- I appreciate your shoutout but keep your judgments to yourself.  At first reading I was immediately angry.  His concern seemed to be about the word "odd".  Then I paused (very hard to learn to do, had we been face to face it may have become an argument -- thank the universe for the medium of zaadz)  Then i re-read his concern and I had to admit using the word odd was definitely a judgment on my part.  Then i was angry with myself for seeing it clearly now, but not at the time.

I told him it was obviously not my intent to offer harm or cause for concern.  Then after thinking it through some more I thanked him.  I thanked him for the lesson and pointing out something so simple to see.  So at least the universe used my misplaced words to teach me something. (When you are ready the teacher will appear)

So words.  The whole incident has weighed on my mind all week.  The argument has gone something like this:

So if calling someone odd is a judgment (true) how does one have a meaning ful dialog or conversation without using judgments or personal shadings?

You can't.  Your view is your view and if you stripped all judgements etc out you would be left with no real chance for dialog since you would have very few words to use.

But that seems stupid.  You have to have dialog.  Dialog is how you think and reach and learn.  Conversation is how we communicate wether written or verbal.

So the only way to learn is to have dialog?  No.  But even if you read, listen to others or whatever the source will be "contaminated" with their views.

True.  So then it becomes your responsibility to weed out judgments/opinions and hold to the facts.

Sounds impossible.  But now that I think about it, those who are farther along the path definitely have less to say. . . .

So words.  Definitely a double edged sword.  And while the argument continues to rage inside me I can only thank the universe again for bringing this argument to me.

I thank Shwartzman for being an instrument of teaching.
I thank the universe for the presence of mind to pause and learn rather than react and harm.

Years ago during my high school years I was a fervid gamer.  Now understand our most complex video game at the time was possibly the Atari 2600, barely qualified as a "video game" based on todays criteria.  However there was another world of games.  They were generally complicated, took a long time to play and were mostly shunned by the "Monopoly" crowd.

They were war games, card games and role playing games using paper and pen and boat loads of imagination.  We lugged our boxes of reference books, our miniature figures, tanks, funky shaped dice and boatloads of imagination to someones basement or dining room and played until the wee hours of the morning.  It was gaming and it was good.

We all quickly learned how suitable these types of games would adapt to changing technologies (World of Warcraft, Halo, Medal of Honor).  Back then we got together infrequently.  Then technology entered.  The games rapidly computerized.  We all became wrapped up in first person shooters.  We played alone.  Then the field opened and they developed massively multi-player online roleplaying games.  Dungeons and Dragons or Axis and Allies brought to the small screen and we whiled away weeks playing with strangers in even stranger worlds.  But we developed some online friendships.  It was gaming and it was good.

Along comes my nephew.  I am 30 years his senior.  He likes to come over to uncle's house because I will allow him to use my online accounts to play the games we have grown to love.  So mid-summer he troops to my house and DOES NOT want to log on immediately.  Instead he wants to teach me a "new" game he learned and plays with his little buddies from scouts.  So he pops out his deck of "Magic: the gathering" cards. (blatant plug, sorry).  I can only smile and say I'll be right back.

I trooped to the attic, dug furiously through a few boxes and pull out my very own Magic deck from circa 1993 -- 2nd edition cards (currently in the 10th edition with over 60 card blocks to play with and collect, but I digress)  He is amazed to see the deck, he is certain his friends "invented" the game.  So we play a few hands and I take him to the local hobby store to buy a few more cards.  But we had fun, we were outside, and our eyes were not square when we were done.  The neighbors were interested. It was a binding experience for all of us.  we hade spectators.

The point was instead of logging him on and letting him go we interacted on a new level.  The game levelled our playing field (he trounced me soundly several times, apparently several of the rules have changed in 20 years, what are the odds)  it gave us a common ground to relate on.  It was refreshing.

So I spent some time at the local gaming store to see what other advances had been made in low tech games in 20+ years.  In the process, I had remembered the husband of a friend also played cards with his nephews occasionally.  Since that time we have entered local tournaments at the store.  We try to get together there once or twice a month to play cards and other games.  We have involved the nephews, the neighbor guy has since become interested and learned to play.  These types of games seem to be just as alive today as they were back in the day.  We just form impromptu meetings to play cards, we start our own mini-tournaments.  Olders help the youngers play and refine their play styles and strategies.

So, the learnings. 

Game night is a great idea.  It is a great way to form binding relationships with friends and friends you just have not met.  The games are the commonality amongst the group.  Include the kids if suitable (age wise, some of the games are definitely more complicated, look for smaller games for younger children)  Learn new games and find a place to play.

The games I have mentioned offer a few more options to the player.  They are semi-strategic. They have vague rules. They frequently get updated to reflect things that have become obvious or add new content to keep the game fresh.  There are player groups locally (bet on it) That frequently have weekly play times.  So they will make you think.  Let you meet new friends.  Make you become more active in "life".  Interacting with real, new people gives you new perspective.  Widens your circle of aquaintences.  Pries you off the internet.

Winning isn't the goal.  I know it is how you play the games.  I have lived 41 years and I finally learn this.  I do my best, I never expect to win.  I go to learn, to interact with others.  To think and grow.  I do win sometimes.  Usually I just pickup a few tips or watch the much better players play to learn from. 

So a renewed interest in gaming has instead given me access to an unlikely form of fellowship.  I would now rather meet and play cards or have a table top battle than log on and while away the hours grinding through solitary adventures just to "gain a level".  I have become more social.  More open to new things, more accepting of differences.  I have learned to debate with others.  To open dialog about things.  Sure their may only be a strangely worded card or new rules release, but I am thinking and actively engaged.  And that is what gaming has done for me.  Learned early and not appreciated.  Gone back to later and now appreciate it for what it offers not winning and losing.

So game on folks.

In one of my previous posts I talk about the virtue of patience and how if we are patient things will arrive in their own time. My example was the temple bell in my garden. The bell is finally done and my oven is half way (waiting for it to dry -- waiting is). I have talked about how if we allow for the possibility of these things arriving in our lives they will. The main idea is allowing for and having patience.

While driving I was pondering some of the situations and challenges present in my life right now. I have learned to not obsess over these things (no point really -- never worry about the dead past, it can't be changed. Never worry about an imagined future -- hasn't happened yet.) However, I do set some base strategies and see what develops. Some planning is involved. I will admit I have some frustration over these things. Nothing ever goes as planned. The best laid plans of mice and men and other similar metaphores.

Then it hits me. NOTHING EVER goes as PLANNED. The best LAID PLANS of mice and men. Planning, strategizing all these things represent grasping for specific outcomes. Forcing the issue as it were. Trying to impose my will/ego upon creation. I need to take the same view of these situations as I do the "un-important" issues in my life. LET IT GO. Be open to the possibility of the universe and its ultimate creativity in relation to these items. Then! Then I think I will be able to rid myself of the frustrations of these problems. The problems remain, but may no longer be problems because my view of these things and my relationship to them has changed. Remove the power they have over me.

Now I am not saying just let go and make these things the universe's problem. No, on the contrary. To use the words of Surya Lam Das I should adopt the following (right) view:

May I perfect the subtle virtue of concentration
and alert mindfulness, which clarifies the heart
and mind, body, and soul, and allows awareness and discernment
to dawn within.

So, being mindful and clear. See what infinite possibilities of the now can help me in my dilemmas. Being open and aware is the way to resolution. Not forcing or pushing. Have clear ideas of what is important and necessary -- separating the drama of life (suffering) from the living of life. Solutions will become apparent I believe just as the bell became a reality from an idea. Just as my oven is taking shape in my yard. Again the words of Surya Lam Das:

May I perfect the profound virtue of transcendental
knowledge-wisdom, which knows how things
actually are, as well as how they arise and appear,
interrelate, and function.

Kind of like a buddhist roadmap for problem solving. I think it means being INVOLVED in your life. And while it seems so clear to me, implementation is another thing. But it becomes a loop. I should not get worked up about integrating the ideals and praticalities of the buddhist practice in my life (see above). But it does mean maybe I deepen my practice, spend more time studying various teachers and their writings to clarify and gain knowledge wisdom.

What a journey I have embarked upon. Because I guess I a m trying to get to the following:

May I perfect the multi-faceted virtue of skillful means
and resourcefulness, which makes all things possible
and swiftly accomplishes all that is wanted and needed.

Wow. Sounds amazing. However in the words of Robert Heinlein in Stranger in a Strange Land "I am only an egg."

May I perfect the noble virtue of patience,
which can face naked reality,
forgive, accept adversity, and turn it into an ally.
-- Buddha is as Buddha Does by Surya Lam Das

To paraphrase Ecclesiates - "To everything (turn turn turn) there is a season (turn turn turn)" (not exactly ecclesiates but close)

This is a story on patience, Not forcing, Acceptance and Flow.  I have been a sitter for years. Except it has never really become a habit for me (please see Practice, Practice, Practice).  And one of my EGO driven ideas was that "I would sit more regularly if I could sit outside on the patio out back -- it's more peaceful and serene etc ad naseum. . .And in order to do this properly I needed a temple bell.

I got this idea because of craving and grasping for a bell I had seen in front of a local neighbor's house.  Long and cylindrical, it looks awesome.  I immediately wanted it or one like it.  Unfortunately in today's world these types of things are easily gratified with the application of $$.  This is not an option for me.  So it was still a craving and a grasping.  At the time I was employed in a local restaurant.  One of the things I regularly had to do was check the air supply for the tap systems.  While doing this one of the empty cylinders fell over and hit the other one. . . you guessed it BOOOOONG.  I had found my bell, kinda.

The next time I saw our delivery person for air I asked him nicely if he could obtain a damaged cylinder I might be interested in purchasing it.  He though I was going to build a keg-arator.  No no I explained if i cut one end or the other off it would make a great temple bell for my garden.  I then explained what a temple bell was and why I wanted it.  I honestly forgot about it.  Weeks passed, the idea was kinda lost since the bells i loved (even very small -- say size of a cantaloup) were over $100.

He came in one time and just said "Hey I have your cylinder for you".  I asked how much, hoping it wasn't too much.  He said don't worry about it.  I asked if he was sure and he said yes.  I was witnessing the paramita of generosity.  I accepted his gift.  I took it home and explained to my brother how it needed to be cut, stripped of paint etc.  So he cut it and started stripping it..

I explained how I was going to use really, really heavy rope to lash it to a cross piece of wood and put two poles in the ground to support the cross piece.  Weeks pass.  My brother comes home with an amazing piece of old barn wood he found during a demolition he was helping with. It is an awesome piece.  Cost $0.  Now he said its my turn to get the uprights since he cut the bell, sanded the bell, and found the crosspiece, after all it's your bell he said.

Months have passed.  I have completely finished stripping the "bell" to bare metal.  I have been meaning to buy or find uprights for the bell.  I am not currently in a position to buy these upright since they need to be large (6 x 6) and about 12 foot (2 x 6).  So the bell remains unfinished "Waiting is".  In the mean time one of my other projects is to build a small earth oven in the back yard as well.  I always have something in mind -- more of the skillful means/enthusiastic effort type of things.  The kid who lives next door calls me at work last week and informs me they got some equipment in and the crates had some 4 x 4 lumber would I want it for the base of the oven pedestal?  Sure I say why not, worse comes to worse it become fodder for the fire pit.

The 4 x 4's were not. They were more like 5" x 6" and solid oak.  Almost 3/4 of a year after I started, I had my uprights for my bell.

So its just another case of learning to "keep your seat".  Practicing patience (whether you realize it or not) and looking towards skillful means and resourcefulness and all things are possible.  Because of the generosity of others I will finally have my temple bell.  Not that it matters much now since I have entered into a vow to sit everyday for a month.  I never fail to be astounded by the types of 'miracles" that just float into our lives.

Sure I could have spent money and had my bell long ago.  But this way I truly appreciate it.  I have been involved in its birth so to speak.  It is more satisfying.  It makes a great story.  It points out to me to just let things flow -- it either happens or doesn't -- let go dont be attached and all those other paramitas we are supposed to be involved about.


UPDATE: Since the time I started writing this and posting it I will tell you that the free wood I collected for the bell and oven have all gone into the oven pedestal, so I am left without uprights for the bell again!  Oh the impermanence of life!

Last month I made a vow to meditate every day in July. I have thus far kept that vow and have learned a few things along the way which I have posted previosly. One of my things is to also keep a small journal of my thoughts and ideas. I thought it would be instructive to see where I am getting stuck. At this point I usually make the following entry: # minutes sitting, type of meditation (insight, lojong etc or other special technique I may try). Thoughts, impressions etc. Now in the beginning I have made some largish entries about the thoughts occuring ot me, or impression I got. At this point I am only recording the amount of time and maybe the technique. I found myself writing about the quality of my session, how it was good or bad, what I liked, what I didn't like. I have come to realize this is all just ego. All these ideas about good/bad sessions. I would find myself anticipating the session, and as someone pointed out its not about the quality but the actual doing of the session. So now I do make my simple entries much like I mentally note "thinking" as I sit. I realized this was destructive to what i was doing. So now I am trying to just sit, and be, and expand. I have ritualized my session a little bit. I find it really helps me shift from the world to right here/now. I light incense, I ring my bell twice. Once to invite stillness and the second time to begin the session. I then end with a bell as well. It finalizes my session. I have at least three or four times "kept my seat". Nights when it got late and I had not had a chance to sit, I sat. I didn't feel like sitting and had started the mental exercise of rationalizing why it was OK to not sit. I sat. So it has been a learning so far. Because I vowed to do it I have given it more "attention" so maybe that is hwy I have learned a lot this month. Has it become a habit yet. Well I think I got a few more days to go. And, this is not without it challenges: My biggest challenge is when I sit. I usually sit in the eavening before bed. Unfortunately this puts life between me and sitting. And that creates it own difficulties. Although, I will admit to atending parties and drinking less becasue I knew I had to sit yet. Also, I have done a session or two earlier in the day because I knew I would be out late and would struggle later. So i really want to move my session to the morning, but I have this ingrained routine (unthinking sheep i am) that I have found hard or impossible to intervene into. i will be half way through my first cup of coffee and say -oops forgot to sit this morning. My next fear (ego ego ego) is that I'll be too sleepy right after I get up and just fight the entire time to stay awake. I do not want to be the sleeping buddha. My other challenges have been physical. Sometimes I simply cannot sit more than 10 minutes because I get this lower back cramp. Now I have tried breathing through it and sometimes I am successful. Othertimes it just knots up and I have to get up and stretch.

Change is.  It is a given.  All things change and evolve.  The only thing we can count on is change.  It is the ONLY certainty in an uncertain reality.  So this begs many questions.

Is impermanence a "meta-law" or principle that operates.  Is this a universal law that can be discerned at any level of scaleability?  If so then nothing can really stand against it -- or shouldn't stand against it over the test of time.  Since to resist it would be to stagnate and stop growing or evolving.  So should you persist in trying to keep the status quo?  And is accepting change always growth or evolvement? Are these just labels?  It is what it is!  Or so some people say.

Why do we invest so much of ourselves trying to "leave our mark".?  How can we LOVE or HATE?  Do these emptions not require some level of intention to keep ongoign -- a stasis or stagnation.  What part of us demands these ongoing types of emotions?  Why is it so scary to be faced with this groundlessness?  How do you avoid becoming nihilistic?  If nothing lasts why bother?  If nothing lasts, why get involved?  Why worry about compassion?  Why add labels like stagnate or evolve?  How do you keep this "model" of a groundless existence in your head.  How do you deal with it on a daily basis?  And change is not always slow and steady.  Change your mind, change the world.  Change one of your fundamental belifs and the way the world operates for you changes instantly!

Or is impermanence simply the difference generated by what you expect and what is real?  We always have these ideas about how things will or should be and usually reality turns out quite differently.  Is the idea of change simply generated because what happens doesn't match our expectations?  So in essence things do not change -- they are permanent.  We simply expect them to be other than they are and so we ascribe an attribute called change to the world.

Acceptance -- so if we take the concept of beginners mind, and imagine a state of complete acceptance and openness to what is in front of us how could we say it is impermanent or changes.  It simply is what it is.  Monitoring change means relying on the ideals or ideas of the past.  A dead past that cannot be changed.  Yet, science has shown us that the now does in fact depend in some way on the then.  Reality persists.  A table remains a table it does not just turn into a rock or horse in the blink of an eye.

So how do we reconcile these conflicting ideas?

I am finding it hard to visualize the "taking" part of lojong.  I also find myself all scattered when selecting my targets for the taking/sending.  I start with myself and those close to me, add the neighborhood in general and usally wind of picking others whom I have forgotten and do not want to leave out.  I am making it a chore and i know I shouldn't

The sending part is really easy for me.  Breathing out energy and radiance and compassion.  I do however find it immensly centering for me and always feel great after lojong regardless of how scattered my taking/sending is.

I also find it easier to remain mindful with less distractions, it is easier for me to focus.

I have kept my vow so far.  I have made my cushion 10 days in a row now.  There were definitely nights where it was not to my advantage and "i forgot" but hit my cushion in the wee hours of the morning.  My favorite has been 2 sitting sessions i did in the back yard.  I have a small waterfall in my pond and it is calming for me.  Mornings have been cooler and I just seem to have a better session (even when the dog HAS to sit in my lap, he is actually very good at just sitting there and hanging out)

Things I notice:  I can tell whats currently stressing me because it comes up a lot during my sitting.  Sometimes it's my body that gets twitchy.  Sometimes I have a song running through my head.  Sometimes I just fall asleep.

My biggest challenge right now is to let all these things be what they are and stop grasping at "expectations" or ideals on how my sessions should or shouldn't be.  As I am wont to say "Let it go."

Currently reading through Buddha is as Buddha Does by Lam Surya Das.  I am finding it very powerful.  It basically goes through the paramitas.  I believe this book "found" its way into my hand.  I am being blow away by the concrete examples it goes through.  Everyday situations and show how the particular paramita in discussion would be handled.

Practice, practice, practice. Practice makes perfect. The whole idea behind Buddhist philosophy is the idea of practice. Working the principles of the philosophy into your daily life. Formal practice –setting aside time for meditation and mindfulness, mind training to help uncover your neuroses. The idea of Buddhism as a science to enlightenment. I enjoy the reading, I embrace the concepts and ideas, I agree with most of what it says. But I do not Practice. I have my cushion, I have my gong, I have space set-aside for practice. I do not. I think I want to. I am attracted to the idea, I have dabbled in practice, yet it has not become a habit. Books wind their way to me and point out even more profoundly why I should practice, yet I do not. I have enjoyed my dabbling my sessions, I do enjoy the sitting I do. Yet I do not Why? What holds me back? Why can’t I integrate it into my life? Why would I rather do 700000 other things than set time aside to sit? Is it fear? What then is the issue? I tell myself tonight we will set time aside to sit – I do not. I get into bed and say well we will sit in the morning – I do not. I am usually half way to work before I even realize I did not do it. I understand that it is the part of me that doesn’t want to find out the full benefits of practice. EGO maybe whatever. Part of me does not want the way I view the world to change. Change is good, expected, and unstoppable yet we resist with all our wills. Will. Is it sheer willfulness that denies me change? I think when I consider these ideas, that this is what it must be like for the addict to “change”. They have to instill a type of “practice” into their lives to survive. I can only be awed by the will necessary to remain sane for even a week. I even understand it intellectually the hows and whys yet I do not. And so I take a vow – to practice for the entire month of July. I will sit 10 – 20 minutes a day. I will record some thoughts or observances I have from my practice. I will revisit this on the first day of august and see what has happened. I will try and be mindful of the questions above and perhaps take a crack at answering them. I will read daily from the huge pile of books I already have to further my practice.